If you are a couple who is married or want to get married and need to know the top secrets of a happy,rewarding and pleasant married life and to repair your marriage and relationships then read this post till the end. In this post i will share with you in detail the exact step by step approach to having the best loving relationship with your partner.
As a Certified Relationship coach I keep getting clients on a regular basis for various couple issues ranging from arguments, lack of intimacy, lack of compatibility or simply lack of communication.Each client is unique with a unique problem in their relationships.So general marriage tips do not work for everyone.
So I took up 13 unique case studies from my clients and their unique issues and came up with this list of 13 secrets to help you make your relationship better than before.This post will be in very simple language straight from my heart, I will share my experience, expertise and insights to help you make the most of your married life and live Happily.So keep reading the post in detail for the secrets.
1.Accept Diversity and Differences
The no 1 secret for a Happy married life is to first accept that both of you are two different individuals. Whether you married someone from your religion or elsewhere you both are born and brought up in different houses.cities,cultures, different family values,different environment, different friends, different work environment. Each one of you have had different life struggles, adversities and achievements which make or break you.
In this process you and your partner picked up different traits,habits, learned different meanings of same things, Learned different definitions in Life and ended up in a different set of morals,ethics and life values.What you call a communication gap is exactly what arises due to this diversity. Think of this as both of you talking in different language, so how will you understand each other. That is why most couples end up in misunderstandings.
It is very important for both of you to sit across a table with neutral energies to discuss this aspect of diversity . Take a pen and paper and each of you write down your life story in short. Share your childhood, parent life , college life, struggles and challenges, work life, Health and other aspects which are of relevance to you and leave an impact. This isn’t about sympathising with each other , it’s about empathy and being sensitive to each other.
Knowing your and your partners demons is half the battle won.Now that you know what irks you and your partner, which excites both of you, what are your fears and what are your goals in life , only then it becomes easy for both of you to complement and support each other in your shortcomings.It also helps you to stop blaming and taking responsibility.So start today by knowing each other , respecting and accepting each other’s diversity.
2.Ask and Give Forgiveness
The 2nd secret of a happy married life is to say sorry and forgive your partner. This is a deal breaker because usually the marriage or relationship becomes stagnant or stranded because of old grudges you hold for your partner over past incidents or events. In my sessions with my clients I got to know that couples still argue and fight or events as old as 10-15 years old and still the hurt is so fresh inside them.
This is because neither of the partners took initiative either to say sorry or to forgive, Relationships are based on equality. There is no one higher or smaller.We all are human beings and bound to error. We make mistakes every now and then. Today we point out someone else’s mistakes and someday we commit the same.In a relationship too sometimes we behave rudely, get angry,show aggression,disrespect each other, take each other for granted but we all stand a chance to improve ourselves.
None of us are perfect, we all improve and learn on a daily basis. So if you or your partner has committed a mistake then make it a point to accept or acknowledge it . Don’t be too shy to say sorry or too egoistic to forgive someone. Forgiveness lightens the burden of both of you.
It helps to keep the relationship moving.If you think a mistake cannot be forgiven and you need to leave your partner, then think once again. What is the guarantee that the new person will not hurt you or not make mistakes?
So if you are reading this post, make it a point to sit together with your partner- say sorry to and give forgiveness and get over all uncomfortable memories of the past.Its up to you to heal and repair your relationship because forgiveness is a terrific medicine.
3.Self Love and Stand up
The 3rd most important aspect of a happy married life is loving your own self. Sounds strange right? In my last 5 years of career as a relationship coach, I have come across numerous couples who came up to me complaining about how bad their husband or wife is but the reality was that they themselves lacked something. They often complained about their partner not giving them time, not valuing them, insulting them,using rude language or even abuse.
Do I blame my client for their partner’s bad behavior? Yes and No. No because, in no circumstances should abuse be tolerated in any way- verbal / physical/ emotional/ sexual. And yes because, your silence is the most powerful catalyst in deciding another person’s behavior.It means if you stand up for yourself, voice your displeasure, then the other person stands powerless. Yes I agree some people might be physically more powerful than others but physically powerful people get their power from mentally weak people.
So why are some people unable to raise voice against injustice? This is because they feel they are weak, they feel they are not good enough, they feel they are unworthy, they feel they are flawed,they feel they are meant to suffer. All this is because they are guilt ridden in some way either made to feel this by the society,their partner or from their upbringing. They lack Self Love and when you don’t love yourself you’re ready to bear any brutality and bad behavior.
So in order to not suffer in a relationship, start by loving yourself. Only what to give to yourself can you expect from other people. Don’t be a partner pleaser, that might hurt.Work on yourself, love yourself, pamper,self care , appreciate yourself, know your worth. When you truly start valuing your own self , others will follow suit.Look yourself in the mirror today and stay these words – “ I love you”
4.Generate your own Happiness
As we spoke earlier about self love,most couples who lack it depend on their partner to be happy.If I don’t expect happiness from my partner then where will I get it ? Probably it is inside you. You will ask me why I married if you cannot get happiness from your partner?Answer is that maybe you married for the wrong reasons or your idea of marriage is distorted.Let me clear things for you.
Often marriage is considered as a remedy or a magic pill in some countries,households or cultures. It’s often taken as a magical quick fix solution. Someone got an alcohol problem – get him married , Daughter too ambitious – Get Married , Son lacks responsibility – Get married , Someone depressed – Get Married. This does not work because marriage is not a solution but a puzzle in itself. How can you solve one puzzle with another. It’s a full time responsibility.
Marriage is like two incompletes coming together not to complete each other but compliment each other. Marriage is about sharing this journey.Its like a companionship.So if you think your partner will make you Happy all the time and he or she doesn’t then be prepared to generate your own happiness.How to generate Happiness? Do what you like,. Do what you are meant for. Chase your Life passion. What career do you want to pursue? What are your hobbies? What is your passion? What makes you happy internally?
It can be music,dance,pets,helping others,exercise,acting,meeting new people, anything that excites you from within, even spirituality .What every you truly love and desire just follow your passion.In Marriage “me time” is superior to “we time” because that is when truly you explore your own self , connect with your soul and churn out the best in you.
5.Support in adversity
So you thought marriage or relationship is all about coochie cooing with your partner or exotic dinner dates? If so don’t get married. Marriage is about supporting each other through thick and thin. Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes in a relationship.It may come in form your financial issues, poor health – physical and mental, Parenting issues etc.
I come across couples in which one of the partner gets super frustrated in adversity.They are unable to tolerate or be available to their partner in financial distress or severe physical or mental ill health.Suddenly they start finding reasons to end the relationship.They start neglecting their partner and completely become unavailable at a time they were most needed.
Both of you married each other and marriage is a companionship of two flawed people.Its a complete package with roses as well as thorns.You cannot choose one. One of my clients completely turned a blind eye to his partner’s depression and weight gain, becoming completely sensitive and cold to her.Another client started regular fights due to her partner’s financial adversity.
Adversity can strike anyone anytime.No one can be immune to it.So today if you are at the shore, in future the tide may wipe you off too. I don’t want to talk here about the karma stuff but from a responsibility perspective make sure you are available at the time of distress in your partner’s life and this is what strengthens or weakens the relationship .
6.Intimacy (not just Sex)
You must have read many articles before which emphasises the importance of sexual intimacy to improve your bond in the relationship but sadly without emotional connect sex is just an act.I have had many clients who have the worst married life- worst communication – worst fights, arguments but great sex.
Sex is not the deciding factor on how a good or great a marriage or relationship is.What is sex for you? Just ejaculating inside your partner? Or just stimulus of your clitoris or orgasm? Well sexual intimacy has or should have its roots in the emotional connect the couple has.Sex is indeed pleasurable but it does not decide how your partner will treat you after the 5-10 minutes of orgasm.
Intimacy in its real sense is how well you bond and connect on the emotional level.How well you communicate non verbally.How to show your affection without words.How often you cuddle,hold hands or are playful like kids.So if your relationship has hit the rock start by small steps. Sex will not solve disputes. It will not end grudges, may be for a few moments. Sex is meaningless if core issues are unresolved. Use the forgiveness method and then start connecting at root level with smaller things. Once you become emotionally intimate again, sex will be more satisfying even divine.
So we already read about self love and me time but now it’s time for some couple goals.To keep the relationship healthy and alive you both need to spend time together.And this time should not necessarily means luxurious holidays or expensive dinners, it can be as simple as having your favourite street food together.
We time means when both of you connect with each other.Both of you should engage with each other, communicate verbally or nonverbally.A movie together is not a great we time. I would suggest talking to each other at a beach shore, participating in some adventure activity together,doing some fun activity,playing a sport with each, cycling with each other
.A simple hug ,cuddle or holding hands at a serene and quiet place and conveying your feelings even without use of words is what I can call “we time”And yes it’s not like shown in movies. It happens in real life too . You need to give it a try and you will experience what I am talking about.So however busy you are, take out time each day , say only 30 minutes and give it to each other and enjoy each other’s company.
Many of my clients who come for couple sessions have this issue with each other.They don’t have enough clarity on what and how much should be the role of parents in their married Life.Both end up arguing with each other on interference of parents in their lives and end up disrespecting them which leads to distance between them.
Parents are precious.They raise you with so many struggles.Some have a good relationship with them, some have a dysfunctional family.Blaming each others parents or calling them names is like hitting below the belt.Respecting both side parents is very important.Both partners should sit together and discuss the level of role the parents need to play in their lives.
Both should agree on common things like do they stay in a joint family or nuclear family ,which one is beneficial for them and why. How much time parents need to be given per week? How much time the couple needs for themselves. Do parents need to be supported financially if yes it should be done by both.
Remember parents are going to be there for only a few more years. It is good to avoid conflicts or disrespect them. Also it is important to think about your family and future in case you have toxic parents ( very few but they exist). So sort out things by clearing the role of each other’s parents in your married life . This takes much of the stress away.
9.Clarity on Money
Money matters create a lot of stress in the married life.It leads to arguments ,fights , differences and even misunderstandings.Money my friend is the root cause of most disputes over the world then how can a relationship stay immune.This can be done by providing clarity from both sides on money matters.
Money- The scarcity or the excess of it can often lead to fights over poor mismanagement. Evn many couples I have coached who earn handsome amounts of salary , still fight over money. This is because they have no communicated terms and do’s and don’ts with respect to money matters.They lack transparency with respect to savings, expenses and inflow of income.
It is very important to create a proper plan as to how the funds should be used and for what purpose.How much money should be spent on daily expenses,luxuries,holidays or any other expenses should be pre decided.The husband and wife should pool in their earnings together and then use for expenses.If one of the partner earns less, this should not result into looking down upon them because couples contribute in the relationship through different ways and money should not be the criteria to measure someone’s worth.
So from today itself try to have a one on one talk with respect on money matters and create a proper blueprint and plan for savings and your future.
10.Say No to Abuse
One thing I am totally against is physical abuse or use of physical power of restraint in a relationship.Whoever you are , whatever you do, whatever you may have accomplished it does not give you any right to hit your partner.Your partner is not your property.Both men and women face abuse in some way and they should stand up for it no matter what.
Not raising your voice gives more strength and power to the other person.Whatever the disagreement, how much ever you are frustrated, whatever the degree of your anger , your partner cannot be your punching bag.Find ways to calm your mind,meditate,do yoga or better see a life coach, counsellor,therapist, psychiatrist but get your issues dealt with.
As a partner you can offer to help your partner to get over such kind of behavior by offering them professional support.Apologise if you have hit your partner in any way and do not repeat it again because it leaves a permanent scar on the person.
11.One to One communication
There is not enough I can stress on the importance of a cleat one on one communication between partners.As we discussed earlier about the differences in both partners due to upbringing and environment it is so critical to learn the common language, not the regional language but the language of emotions,values and ethics.
One of the partner may be an introvert another a outgoing personality.One may like to get into the shell at times of disaster and another would like to vent out.It is very important to find common ground for communication in order to convey your feelings and emotions or express your displeasure in a way that the other person does not get offended.
Communication and assertiveness training plays and important role in bringing out behavioral changes in which a life coach or a counsellor can help you.Communication is the key to good, I mean great, I mean fantastic relationships because this is the only way information reaches to and fro between partners and this information can then be used for further action ands implementation..
Communication does not mean talking too much,It means being able to convey what you want to and being able to understand the other person’s view point.It is all about accepting and respecting the needs of your partner.It also means being able to reach the message without misunderstandings or faulty information.Communication should be sensitive at all times.
So from today itself work on how to say things to your partner so that your relationship can grow in a better way.
Don’t do it.Just don’t do it. Yes I know my friend , there are distractions and temptations but still don’t do it.Marriage is an institution based of trust and honesty and there is not place for cheating or infidelity.From my counselling experience I can say, most relationships and marriages collapse because of extra marital affairs and it becomes very difficult to repair the relationship and instill faith gain.
Nothing can be more damaging than breaking someone’s trust in a relationship.if you think you cheat and can keep it a secret, then you are wrong.Everyone can smell a rat.better to avoid it.The pleasure is not worth the risk you put your married life at.If you are looking for excitement, try to get it from your partner but don’t look elsewhere.
If your partner has cheated on you then you need to ask them some questions.And remember it is not your fault at all.Don’t feel guilty.Don’t think you are the cause of the problem.Don’t feel you are not good enough,.It’s just a poor choice that your partner has made nothing else.Stop feeling low or unworthy.
Now it’s up to you,You can choose to forgive them with a warning to not repeat it again.people can be given chances if they truly regret what they have done.If the cheating is coming from addictions or compulsions then it needs to be treated by a medical professional.In any case it’s up to you to decide the course of action weather to trust the partner again , give him a chance or to discontinue the relationship.Whatever decision you make should be taken with a lot of thought and research.
13.Visit A professional
Sometimes however you may have tried to perfect your marriage , there is always some or the other thing which feels challenging to achieve.Sometimes it may be managing your anger or learning proper ways to communicate.Sometimes it can be some psychological disorders in one of the partners.
Too much trial and error also in trying to perfect your relationship can lead to loss of time and lead to even more worse relationships.Sometimes implementation of suggestions becomes difficult and yields no results.Certain behavioral modification does require professional help and there is nothing to shy away from it.
In this case a Professional can truly help you repair your relationships and married life. You can connect with a Relationship coach, Life Coach, Counsellor or a Psychiatrist for the same.A tried professional will help you avoid trial and error and can guide you in a uniform and step by step approach.Studies have proved that professional help in form of life coaching and counselling has improved relationship and life issues by over 60%.
So if you have tried everything to better your relationship and still cannot get satisfactory results, it is time to visit a professional for a face to face session if you may also take online coaching or counselling sessions for the same.
So friends the above were some Secrets of Happy marriage and ways to save your marriage and improve relationships which you can use in your Life.If you find this information useful do share with your partner or a friend that might need it and consider subscribing to our website for more such posts.
Also comment below and tell us anything in specific you would like to know about marriage or relationships? Your questions would be highly appreciated.
Thanks in advance 🙂