If you have recently faced a breakup in a relationship with your partner and finding it difficult to overcome the loss of the person or move on from it ,you should definitely read this post.
As a Relationship coach,I regularly get people with one similar kind of issue,that is how to overcome or survive a relationship breakup or how to move on after your partner has left you or the relationship did not work due to some reasons.
A relationship is a beautiful setting in which two people commit to live life together.They plan to stay together and share common goals,enjoy each other’s company,get intimate or simply be supportive of each other in times of low and share the highs of the happy moments.
Most of the time we get into a relationship with the intention of being with the person all our life and we often see the other person as our life partner ,soul mate or best friend.
Overcoming or moving on in a relationship is not easy as most of that time you have given you heart and soul to that person.May be it is your boyfriend,girlfriend,husband or wife, breakup or parting ways is like a heart broken into pieces.Some people are devastated to the level of even contemplating ending their lives which is definitely not the solution.
This is because people are not trained or educated enough to handle a relationship breakup.They are not ready for the adversity.They did not see it coming and hence they try to cope up with this loss in a faulty way.A tide of emotions in the heart can sometimes take away logic and make people make poor decisions.
As a counsellor and relationship coach,meeting so many clients everyday , I have come up with 9 practical ways to overcome your relationship breakup which will help you move on with ease and empower you for more fulfilling relationships in the future.So keep following this post and read the suggestion with full focus.
1.Acceptance of the Break-up
A relationship breakup can bring in a package of various emotions including anger, sadness, jealousy, regret, guilt, fear,confusion and many others.Most people try to ignore these feelings and emotions which leads to a pile up of negative energy and because of this the process of moving on is delayed.
Acceptance does not means justifying what has happened to you or accepting defeat, it just means coping up in a healthy way by giving acceptance to the event of breakup.The pain of loss is difficult of overcome quickly but if you show acceptance, that yes this has happened, sadly or unfortunately and now let me figure out what to do next, it will be a smart approach.
Sometimes the negative feelings are aggravated or intensified when,
- The breakup has been done by the other person
- The other person has abruptly left you
- The person failed to give a valid reason
- The breakup did not have a mutual closure.
- The relationship is your first serious relationship.
- You have to frequently see your ex every now and then
- The relationship was perfect in every term.
- Your ex very quickly moved on with another person.
- You have thoughts of physical intimacy of your ex with someone else.
- You have not been given a fair chance to explain your side.
In order to have an acceptance of your breakup, take a pen and paper and write down the different feelings you are feeling after the break up.Next to the feelings also write down why you feel these feelings.
One useful way of venting out your displeasure or getting rid of negative feeling post break up is to share and discuss your feelings.Sometimes if we get a non judgemental lending ear,it makes a big difference.Someone who can without pity or blame, listen to you can be very helpful in acknowledging your feelings and making you feel lighter.
Avoid negative or toxic people that will make you feel more guilty or blame you for the breakup or will give you useless suggestions.Always find a trustable friend or family member whom you can trust,who can be discreet and keep your information secret.Even better, find a counsellor or relationship coach, where you can open up without judgement and even get some practical tips to come out of the breakup.
Also remember one more thing, that breakup is an inevitable part of dating.Not always, the first relationship is the best relationship.Sometimes it takes more than a single time to find our ideal match.With time and experience we evolve and become more polished individuals and hence our relationships also become mature.Sometimes relationships end for good reasons or sometimes on a bitter note.But the key is to accept the loss and try to move on.
2.Stop feeling Guilty
It happens most of the time.People who have faced a relationship breakup go into chronic guilt and start blaming themselves.And yes at this mnoment you too might be feeling the same.Most of the guilt arises form the fact that you feel you were incompetent or not adequetely performing in the relationship.Sometimes you may feel guilty about your behavior, sometimes about the choices you made.
Sometimes you are guilty for the important steps you avoided. Stop feeling guilt because whatever you were,however you were, and how you behaved was a choice you made at a certain time. The choice does not define who you truly are. Sometimes you also blame yourself for what you were not giving enough in the relationship but I would suggest to stay away from self blame because relationship is a two sided effort.
Only you or the other person does not decide the length or quality of the relationship. It is a teamwork. Sometimes you made some errors and sometimes the other person.Some errors were rectified and some became the reason for the breakup.Stop this self hate and sabotage because there is no one more important than you yourself, whom you need to safeguard.
3.Don’t look Back
If this is a small fight which has happened multiple times in your relationship, then it is ok to think otherwise. But if this is a breakup, or separation in its true sense then just don’t look back. It is normal to feel small amounts of hope that your ex will come back or the relationship will patch up again.
Moving on in the relationship is completely impossible if you feel false hopes of getting together again.Some try to constantly email or call the person to give them one more chance.My point of view is that you are two grown up people who were in a relationship. If the other person truly wants you, he or she will not stop all communication for days or months.
Don’t try to use threat with the other person to come back.You will lose respect and not gain anything. Also it will make you feel more small and unwanted. Also do not depend on your ex to help you cope up or console you. Don’t try to maintain cordial friendship as the fine line can sometimes fade away.A friendship might be possible after a year of no contact but not too soon.
4.Avoid Negative Cope up
Sometimes post breakup there is a tendency to adapt and pick up some unhealthy cope up mechanisms. This seems like the obvious and easy way out to soothe your mind and control it’s overthinking. This can include taking to alcohol,smoking,drugs,emotional eating,self harm,gambling, comoulsive masturbation of going towards paid sex.
All this can make you feel like you are healing and forgetting the breakup but as soon as you come back to reality it is going to be a bigger void which is much more difficult to fill. A better strategy would be to use good cope up mechanisms like taking up hobbies, spirituality, exercising, meditation or visiting a counsellor.
One more unhealthy mechanism to avoid is to stop thinking about taking revenge from your ex. Stalking them or trying to hurt them or damage their things can make things toxic. If the ex in any way has caused any physical, sexual harm to you only then think of approaching the authorities through the legal route.
And the biggest faulty cope up mechanism is getting into a rebound relationship. This is the biggest culprit for people having unsatisfactory relationships and thus assuming negative things about relationships. Never try searching for someone too soon after the relationship end for emotional support or even for sex.This is going to make life more complicated and never help you in any way.
5.Find the Negatives
Relationship works or breaks with two people.If you find so many reason for self hate or being guilty, find some reasons in which the relationship or the person was not good for you.Give it a thought ,were they physically, emotionally abusive, did they disrespect you, did the person have anger issues, were there addiction problems, were there any hidden psychological issues the person might be suffering?
If you try to see the incompatibility in your relationship , you would understand why it would not have been the right thing to continue in the long run. This will make you feel at ease and help the move on process to be smoother.
6.Take your Learning
Every relationship teaches you something. We learn on this path of life.We evolve as we learn.We become better day by day. Relationships teach you about humans, their behavior, their peronality and psychology. It also teaches about the do’s and don’ts of relationships. It teaches you the true meaning of love
It also makes us experience physical and emotional intimacy. Take the break up as a learning in life. Design your future life and actions based on your learnings from the relationships. Don’t think of your faults only, but learn how to improve.Be thankful that you got this opportunity to experience and learn from the imperfections of yourself and others.
An incomplete or abrupt end to a relationship can lead to many unresolved feelings and disputes.The best way is to write to the person or have a face to face talk. If it is not possible then vent out all feelings on a piece of paper and either burn it or flush it. Counselling can also help you find better ways for closure.
If possible for your ex to meet you one last time it would be great for the closure. Without complaining you can just give back away all the gifts you received from them and write them a thanking note on how good these years were and wishing good luck to each other.
Compare your life when you were single and when you were in a relationship. Sometimes a toxic or unfruitful relationship needs to end on it’s own.Singlehood has its own benefits like following.
- You can start living for your own needs
- You will be able to experience dating once again
- You have your own personal daily routine and not share it with anyone.
- You can independently use your finances and time without sharing
- You can give more time to your friends and other relevant people including your family
- You can spend time travelling and exploring places
- You will not have the need to be answerable to someone and update your whereabouts.
- You have a chance to meet new people without restriction.
- You can choose to enhance your career goals and achieve something.
- You have no fear of judgement from anyone.
9.Have Faith Start Again
It is very natural to start having negative feelings about marriage, relationships or love in general. Our negative experiences restrict us from taking chances again in life with the fear of failing or getting hurt again. Some people start believing that all women are gold diggers or all men are abusers. Remember this breakup and relationship is just a chapter in your life like all other experiences. It does not define your entire life or future.
Only when you let go off your altered belief system, only then can you really start living and cherishing the gift of life once again. Once you become completely positive about future life, you will soon meet someone who is worth the wait. Just keep patience and keep working on becoming better everyday for your own growth and development.
It is very difficult to say what should be the right time to get into a new relationship but it should definitely not be within the first few months. From my experience I have met a lot of couples who come with the issues of being incompatible and had actually met each other when both had a breakup.
Always start with casual dating if you are fearful of what the relationship will turn into. Do not commit very fast. Take your time. Continue to know the person, only then jump to a conclusion. A little trial and error is better than having a break up once again.
So to conclude, if you just had a breakup I would suggest you to follow the above steps and still if you have unresolved issues you may consider visiting a counsellor or a relationship coach who can give you a better perspective, perfect understanding and customised steps to overcome the breakup because every person is unique.
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